And maybe I will still write about that sort of thing. In fact, I am sure I will. But after nearly three years of not writing on this Blog, I think I am going to start. I don't really care if anyone reads it, but I'm going to write.
I want to write about Life. I suppose The Greasy Onion is an odd name for a blog about life, but carmelized onions definitely are one of the better things in life. And what I want to write about is about enjoying life. And I just don't feel like starting a new blog.
I have two things that I just really want right now.
I want to be one if those people that people like to be around be cause they make you feel happy and confident. I think a lot of times I am serious, tense, high strung to a degree. The problem is I don't know if this is something I can or should change about myself. Is this trait a tool as well as an annoyance? It is just that I don't want to stress my wife or my kids out anymore. A month or so ago my wife was explaining to me that I can be a frustrating person to live with because I share my stress and where it on my sleeve, such that she few like it is hers too but she has absolutely no way to fix it. She didn't say it, but I think she was saying my stress stresses her out.
I sometimes worry that I can't be that kind of person. And maybe I can't. But I want to be content and happy with who I am and what I am doing. And if I am not, then I don't want to wallow and be miserable anymore.
I think probably the tense and seriousness isn't something I can or should turn off. It is one of my traits and helps me be good at what I do. But I think it can also stop me from being happy.
We have a couple if pictures of us, when we were either newlywed or about to become so. There is this joy and this happiness in our faces. We look really young. Granted we were, and we were also pounds lighter, but we were also very happy. I remember being stressed. But I also remember being very happy.
I spent most of my adolescent life chasing girls who I thought were amazing but who mostly didn't feel the same way about me. There was one who returned that affection and I remember being utterly surprised and flattered that such an amazing woman wanted to spend time with me. It made me feel good about myself and it was something I had to adjust to. It didn't last, but it did teach me that I could be liked and could like myself. On the whole, most of the teenage girls I chased weren't interested in me or just wanted to be friends (including my wife). I sometimes wonder if I did that on purpose. At any rate, with a few exceptions, that was a lot of my adolescent life.
I remember when I got back from Japan and saw my wife for the first time in 2 years, I thought she looked beautiful. More so than I remembered. I will be honest, it was about all I could think about. I figure we had spent two years writing back and forth so it wasn't super shallow of me.
I remember the first time we kissed, standing at the top of a large hill looking out over the Willamette Valley. I remember trembling, because I had just spent 2 years wondering if I could do hard things and if I was good enough. And with that kiss, I felt again like someone really beautiful, really amazing, loved me. And that I really loved her back and not just because she liked me.
We spent the next few months being obsessed with being together. I stressed out about making the right decision about everything. But we were very happy. There were times where being with me probably stressed her out. Like when I would get so stressed about money and school that I was almost incapacitated with worry.
But I think I know my problem. I think I am so concerned that I will make a mistake that is not repairable. That I will break our life by choosing the wrong career, taking the wrong job, etc., etc. But I think what I am learning is that there are fewer of those kind of decisions than you think in life. You can fix a lot of those by being creative, diligent, and just knowing how to work. The decisions or moment that actually matter, the ones you can actually blow, are the ones you often don't think matter. Like should you go outside and okay with your kids. Should you read a book or two with them even though your tired. Should you listen our talk when you lie in bed with your wife tonight. What should you read. What shouldn't you read. You can make a career at McDonalds if you are charismatic, hard working, diligent, and smart. But you can't as easily fix wasted years, wasted moments, or broken hearts.
The other thing I want is to be healthy. But I have been typing on my phone for half an hour which is not healthy for my hands and is not going to a park this morning like I planned so I guess I will write about number two later.
Life, I really do love you. Sorry I don't tell you more often.
